Eight months, but ain't no one counting

Zip Line on Camano Island.  Fall of 2012

Memorial Day Weekend.  A fun weekend tradition with their friends.

2012

With her youngest son Andrew

With her niece Olivia.  It was Olivia's turn to create a Chemo Buddy.

Sick as she was, she always had a smile. But she cried too, yes she did.  She did not want to die.  She wanted to watch her sons grow up, finish their educations and marry. She wanted to grow old with Joseph, now he will grow old without her.
I did not have any favorite children. They all are very unique people who hold a special place in my heart. I am proud of each of them for the strong beautiful people they matured into. That special place Kris held in my heart is still there.  I am stuffing it full of memories, happy ones of her smiling and having fun. I miss her with my entire being and I know I will until the day we are together again in Heaven.
Eight months but who is counting.................

To my Sweet Kris, whom some may say lost the battle. I say she won the ultimate reward. Love you.

She lived large, she loved to her fullest, she served her Risen Savior in all that she did. I miss her so much today the 6 month anniversary of her graduation, but I know I will see her again.
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness and faith. Galatians 5:22.
This is the best description of her.

Just a little retail therapy

On Thursday, I was having a terrible day. Alone and too much time to think. She is never far from me, but when I am alone she is right here and the hole in my heart breaks open again. I had to leave the house because if I am out in public I manage to hold it together better.  So I went to Value Village.  I love glass ware and little kitchen decor things.  I already had this teapot. I had purchased it years ago when a local store held a clearance sale.  Everything you could fit into a shopping bag was $5.00. You can be sure I fit this into the bag, along with lots of other things. The creamer and sugar do not match exactly, but they are by Mary Engelbreit as is the Teapot and have all of the same colors.  I paid less than $10.00 for the set.  Too bad I don't drink tea!

I also picked up this beautiful dish. I was amazed to find it is cut glass and not pressed.  A rare thrift store find and a true score.

I turned it upside down and photographed it this way also.  I was hoping the facets would show a little better. I have not found an use for it yet but I will.
Best thing is I paid . I paid about $4.00 for this!

I did not buy this chicken, but have had my eyes peeled for one just like this one for years and years.  During our neighborhood spring garage sale, I stopped at a neighbors house to chat.  She had a few things out, including this chicken.  Just being a bit helpful, I thought, I said to her that this is an antique and probably worth more than Garage Sale prices.  She said I was probably right as it had belonged to her Great Grandmother.  It is a very thick glass, not the thin glass you find today.  I asked how much she would price it at and she told me to just take it home.  I was delighted.  I told her it could sit quite happily on this Great Grandma's counter for a while.  I do enjoy chickens and have a few more, but have coveted one like this one for years.
Happy Gramma 

I have had this cute little wire basket for years.  A sweet niece gave it to me.
I found these little milk jugs and was pretty sure they would fit in the basket.  Originally, I bought just four but went back and got two more.  All six fit, rather snugly, but they do fit and I love them sitting on my island.  The little birdies are left over from the Tea Party I decorated for this spring.  Just had to bring them out to add to the vignette.

Shopping did take my mind off of things for a while, until I ran into a young friend at Value Village. When she asked how I was doing, the flood gates opened again.  My theory of getting out into the public did not work at all.  As we talked, I noticed a woman standing nearby and I could tell she was listening,  soon she too was crying. As she entered the conversation, she told me that her 15 year old daughter was killed in an auto accident several years ago. This "club" I belong to certainly has many unwilling members. You run into them every day.  All I can say is if you happen to run into some lady out in public bawling her eyes out, have a little empathy, she is not really crazy, she is probably me or another mother just like me trying to work through the hardest days of her life.

She would have been 43 today

Instead, she celebrated her first birthday in heaven.
I went to bed last night terrified for today. I expected to be a basket case.
Instead, I kept busy today and did not dwell.
I had a moment when I was in the garage and a chair I had recovered for her is in there.
I did sit in it and spent a few moments feeling sorry for me and shed a few tears.
Happy Birthday sweet daughter of mine.  I miss you so much, but I am so thankful you are not in pain.
I am so happy you got to spend this birthday with Grandma and Aunt Meg.

I am not looking for sympathy

Just wondering.
Does it ever quit hurting?

Prayer Request

PLEASE PRAY FOR MY DAUGHTER KRIS.  THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL RIGHT NOW.

Banana Grams

It is a game very similar to Scrabble, except you do not play on a board and each player completes his/her own Puzzle.  I often play this with Kris when I go to visit her.  I, as often, loose.  So.........I bought my own game and Stan and I play almost every night.  (It is good for old folks to keep their minds sharp.)  I also play it as solitaire.  Whatever I have to do to  someday beat Kris.  Lately Kris has been playing what she calls "theme" games.  Makes it harder for her and perhaps, just perhaps, I will have a chance to win one or two games.  Yesterday, I decided to play a theme game myself.  I was playing solitaire.  Makes it a little easier because you do not have to share tiles with another player.  I chose an easy theme too.  Can you see what it is?

Speaking of Kris, she had a consultation today.  I am sure I will mess it up and she will correct me, but if I understand right, the tumor has torn her lung loose.  Because it is not attached to her chest wall as it is suppose to be, she has been having troubles with fluid collecting and shortness of breath.  She does have a date for surgery, now she has to decide if she wants to go through it.  Of course her mother has an opinion, (that she has already shared) but ultimately the choice is hers and her families.  Prayers for wisdom and acceptance of whatever the decision and/or the outcome.

Chemo Buddies and Week #8 thoughts from Kris

2/3 shrinkage is significant. I should be dancing in the street.  I've been more in the mind set of I'll believe it when I feel it. #8 chemo has been a difficult one to recover from. At no point during this week have I felt good. Today as I was feeling sorry for myself I was reminded of how blessed I am.

• I am almost never alone.
• My friends and family call, text, email, fb message and snail mail encouragement to me daily.
• Friends drop in.
• Meals are delivered.
• My husband loves me.
• My sons are top quality.
• Laundry is done. House is clean. (Everyone needs a brother-in-law like mine)

What do I  have to complain about? I'm not happy about the pain, but I choose joy. My heart is full.
Psalms 28:7

When Kris goes in for Chemo,

She always has a new piece of artwork drawn around her port.

This week was week number 6 of who knows how many.  Her newest Chemo Buddy.  You can be sure the Chemo Nurses look forward to her visits and her newest Buddy.  The center portion is always left open since that is where the port is and she cannot have any ink that may contaminate it.

Edited to add this picture, because Frizzy asked if Kris does the work herself.  She has friends who come over and draw on her:)  This week Vanessa was the artist.

I love you Kris and I love your spirit.

The past week in a nutshell

I have been spending some time with Kris.  It has been a very heart wrenching journey. I must say first how proud I am of this daughter of mine.  Her faith never waivers.  As I was lying on her bed one evening holding her hand, bawling my eyes out, she kept reassuring me that it was all going to be OK.  I know in my heart of hearts it will all be OK.  I know that all that happens is by His design.  Sometimes I argue with myself about which outcome is to win this war.  If she dies, she has won the final trophy, Eternity with Jesus.  If she lives, she has won the battle against cancer for the short term.
When I arrived at her home on Wednesday of last week, I was just in time to accompany her to her last radiation treatment.  They were hitting the largest spots, trying to give her some relief from the pain.  There is no possible way to radiate all of the hot spots in her body.  In excess of 100.  On Thursday she went to the hospital to have a port inserted under the skin on her chest.  She has started calling it Chester.  It is in the upper right side of her chest with a tube attached directly to her jugular vein. On Friday she had to have a tooth pulled.  The only one she has ever lost as an adult, except for her wisdom's. That in itself was quite traumatic for her. It had an infection in it that the dentist thought would heal itself, but with the discovery of the Cancer and the need to begin Chemo, the infection had to be gone before they could proceed.  They decided the fastest course was to pull it as antibiotics would take too long. When I left her on Friday, she was quite out of it and remained so most of the weekend, I am told.  Needless to say, I bawled again as I drove out her driveway and down the freeway. Quite a dangerous thing to do.
I returned to her home on Wednesday of this week to find her sitting at the table with friends, smiling, joking and playing cards.  What a blessing to drink in the beauty of that smile. She has been up most of today also, spending time with her amazing church family.  There seems to be someone here all of the time.  I am truly in awe of their love.  They have also signed up to bring dinners to them every night (nearly) of the week.  I say we truly have enough food here to feed a small third world country. I will go back home tomorrow and try to return again next Wednesday.  However many hours she has left with us, I want to experience as many as I can without intruding on their private family time.  I do recognize that the family needs to have time to be alone with one another during this period also. Her esophagus is burned quite severely from the radiation.  It makes it very painful to swallow anything at all.  Each day shows a little improvement there, but she still has not eaten anything solid for a week. Well, almost.  I guess she forced herself to eat a piece of toast on Saturday.  She told me today her new jeans are too big for her.
She will be going to the Oncologist on Monday.  They will then map out the Chemo treatment.  She does know that she will have to take a pill daily and a cocktail weekly.  They just have to decide on the strength of the cocktail right now.  The Dr. did tell her that he will keep her pain free.  He also told her that she will have to do Chemo as long as she lives.  He told her he has a patient who has been on Chemo for 20 years.  We will see if we have the same results for her.  I wonder if her friends are willing to provide dinners for the next 20 years:)   Tomorrow night she plans to go play Farkle with some of her friends.  Her first outing since she has been diagnosed.  A good sign, I would say.
So, I end this little composition with my heart felt thank you to all who have prayed and are praying for her, her husband and children, and all of us as we travel this path we did not choose to travel at this time.