Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Yesterday, when I cried

my heart out about Kris, that really was not what I meant to do.  I sat down to write about something entirely different and that is what came.
Actually, my intention was to show you pictures of our property.  We are so excited to have purchased.  This shot is of the river.  Entiat River in Eastern Washington.  We bought close to 8 acres.  Both sides of the river.
This shot is across the river.  Currently the river is too high for us to cross it.  There is no bridge. During the summer it will be an easy wade across.  Our property goes up into those trees.  Not sure how far though since we can't get across yet.  It is OK though, we wanted that part just for the kids to go exploring.
This mountain shot is taken from our property.  It is looking further up the valley.  Not sure of it's name yet.
We spent a night two weeks ago.  I am here to tell you, never again!! Not until it warms up or we have a cabin built.  It was SOOOOOOOOO cold.  Down in the 30's.  Two pair of pajamas, wool socks and a coat on.  As well as sleeping bag and down comforter over us.  Not only was it cold, but I had two panic attacks during the night. Closed into a tiny tent is not my idea of comfort.
Pepper loved it though.  She ran and ran and ran.  She is over on the neighbor property in this picture.  We don't have grass yet.
These geese were on the neighbors property too.  We think they may have a nest there. They floated down river and then flew back up about 1/2 hour later.
Across the river again.  I was watching the deer over there.
Stan is walking the road side of the property.  Checking where we might put a cabin.
Platform we built down near the river. It is to sleep on until there is a cabin.  If it warms up enough, I will actually take a bed over there and put it on the platform.  I am too old to sleep on the ground~~~~~ever again.
We are looking forward to lots of fun hours over there.  Perhaps some day moving onto the property permanently.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

All I can say is that I am still getting used to

My new normal.
I guess life will never be the same.  I will miss her at every turn, something will always bring her to mind.  Be it something I read, see or smell.  She is always with me, yet she isn't.  People tell me it takes a long time, they say the pain gets less and less with each passing day. I am still waiting.  I know my life has to continue and I plod through every day, loving and caring for those who are still with me and missing the one who isn't. It affects my ability to blog and I really should not let it.  She would be so mad at me if she knew.  She told me to keep living and that I would be OK, yet I really am not.  Sometimes I feel so selfish.  I am not the only mother whose child has gone before her.  I won't be the last either.  Other times I feel so lost, so empty.  There was so much to tell her, so much I wanted her to know about how deeply I loved her.......I wonder, did she really know.  She had questions and I answered them, but did she believe me? Some day, soon, I will have my answer.  Some day, I will sit with her again and I will be able to answer those questions for her. If she does not know now, I will tell her then.
Really, that was not what I came here to write, I try to keep it inside, now it isn't any longer.  Now the world knows.
Krissy, it has been almost 16 months and still the tears flow every day.  I know it is not what you wanted.  It is not what I want either.  I want to remember you as the bright beautiful giving woman you were, yet always in front of all are the questions, the ones I don't know if you really believed me when I answered them for you.  Life is so full of if only's and mine is If Only I knew that you believed me.  I loved you with all of my heart and soul and I await the day we can sit together again.


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