There are two theories to arguing with women.
--Neither one works---
Don't squat with your spurs on.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Don’t believe everything you think!
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
The quickest way to double your money, is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos!
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
Don’t go to bed angry, stay up and plot your revenge!
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Cross country skiing is fine, if you live in a small country.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper; the closer it gets to the end the faster it goes.
Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones that let in the light.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.