I am

crabby and teary eyed tonight. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and not come out for about six weeks. When I do, it will be to go to Disneyland and have fun. Not to worry about mother and her pain management. About if she wants to quit and give up. If I am ready to bid her goodbye. If I want to field all of my siblings questions and opinions about how best to care for her. To continue to manage her money and be responsible to siblings about that. To convince her that she still needs outside care, that it is more than we can do alone or together. Granted, I am not doing it alone. I have one sister who also goes two times a week and covered for me when I was sick even though she was dealing with big issues in her own immediate family. Another sister who comes every Wednesday, her day off from work and another who comes every Saturday, her day off from work. My brothers are around all weekend and often during the week, so this is not a burden I am carrying by myself and I know they are all overwhelmed at times too.
I think the biggest thing right now is that we are thinking she may be too dependent on her pain meds. Does that matter at 88 years?
Maybe she does not want to continue. Is it selfish to want to keep her here? She has not had a luxurious life and maybe she just wants to rest.
Does she want to talk about it, or should we continue to skirt the issue as one brother wants us to do because he does not like to see her cry. Like I do!!!
I think it is time to be ready and help her make decisions that need to be made. It now is not the time, good, at least we have the hard stuff done.
Oh God..........just beam me up!