I went to mother's again today. Same as last week. Fixed my brothers some homemade spaghetti sauce. I took some french bread I had in the freezer and buttered it and sprinkled it with herbs. Told them to just toast it under the broiler for a few minutes. I cleaned the kitchen, washed the dishes, mopped the floors and vacuumed the living room. I also scrubbed the toilet. I hate cleaning my own toilet, so it had to be an act of pure love to clean theirs:)
I was sitting at the table reading the newspaper and Darius climbed up behind me and wrapped his arms around my neck and put his soft little cheek against mine and said, "I know you wrelly miss Great Grandma, but it will get better." I was not crying before he said it, but it was hard not to afterwards. Had to reach around and give him a great big hug. How does a three year old know?
I found some poems my dad had written before he died. I was thinking I might share this one with you. I embroidered it and it has hung in mothers dining room for about 20 years. I am suppose to have it, but I just cannot take it off of the wall yet. It is called The Angel Beside Me.

To all my children
As I grow old,
I have one more story
That has never been told.
Of the Angel beside me.
It was she gave you life.
Through hardship and heartache,
She has always been there.
In good times and bad times,
So willing to share.
As dreams were shattered,
And plans went astray,
In all things that mattered,
This Angel would stay.
Through sunshine and laughter,
In sorrow and pain.
Always beside me
And never complain.
Should I leave you tomorrow,
Please have no regrets.
Just remember the good times,
But never forget,
The Angel beside me......
Your Mother, my Wife.

John R. Higgins
1915-1987
I do find it is good for me to go to her house. I can still smell her. It keeps her near.

Today

I went to my mother's house for the first time.  It was a good thing for me to do.  I fixed dinner for my brothers.  One had told me that dinnertime is so lonesome for him.  I swept and mopped the kitchen and dining room floors.  Putzed around, dug through a few things.  I am not really ready to do any major digging yet though. Actually, I felt a little like I was intruding in things that were not my business.  Things I had never seen and she had not mentioned.  I found one little mystery but I put it back.  I will look at it again, later.
I sat in her chair and smelled her, I cried, not as much as I thought I would though.  I am thinking I might go there once a week for a while.  Fixing dinner for my brothers is therapeutic for me too.  I used to have dinner ready when I would leave in the afternoon.
I miss her, I wake up every morning planning what I need to do for her on that day.  Then, I remember.

February 21, 1921 - February 13, 2011

Good bye Mama, you deserved so much more.  Now He has given it to you.  Enjoy your Eternal Rewards.
We sang the Hymn I'll Fly Away to her.  As we finished, she breathed her last breath.  I think she was trying to escape our out of key singing.

It is 6:50 A.M. Saturday February 12, 2011

The Dr. should be in within the hour to remove tubes and machines from my darling Mama.  I spent the night in her room with her.  One of us is with her all of the time.  If she survives the removal of the tubes and machines, we will keep her here for a couple of days to stabilize her and then take her home.  She dearly wants to die at home in her own bed.