She has been gone since February 13 2011. Love you and miss you Mama.

Me and three of my daughters holding my mother's hand the day before she left us.

When I was driving down the freeway today, God gave me this song. It is amazing how he knows exactly how to reach us.

As I have said so many times before, the two words He has given me are Faith and Trust.  How can that be so hard?  This song is a gentle reminder of both.

As a young mother

it was very difficult to find time for myself.  Privacy was always an issue too.  At any given moment, someone needed me.  The solution came when my husband would return from work.  We would have dinner and then I would run myself a bath.  A hot bath.  I would lock myself in the bathroom and soak.  I would sit in the tub and soak until the water was cold, drain the tub and refill it and soak some more.  During this time I also developed the habit of "talking" to God.  I could pray and meditate uninterrupted, if Stan was doing his job and keeping the kids away from the bathroom door.  It is a habit I have carried throughout my life.  I still bathe in the hottest water I can stand, I still (often) refill the tub if I have sat long enough for the water to cool down.  I still find this the best place to hold my conversations with God.  He has told me many things while I am in the tub.  It was there that He comforted me the year my baby Jeffery died, it was there He confirmed I would make my trip to Africa, and it was there that today He talked to me about what is happening in our family right now.
Sometimes I feel so weak and without faith because I am not accepting this as something I am suppose to just accept and go on with life.  I am fighting with all of my being.  I am arguing with him, I am begging him, I am pleading with him.  I cry every day.  One day, as I have shared before, He told me I had to have Faith and Trust.  I know I must turn it over to Him.  I, however, am human.  I am full of flaws and have a sin nature that makes me cling to what I know and fight what I do not know.  Today, I was discussing my weakness with Him.  Asking him for strength and peace.  He answered me.  He comforted me.  He told me that even though from the moment Mary conceived her Son, she knew also he would die, she pleaded with Him to not make her go through that pain.  He said she had not lost her faith when she would plead with him.  She was human also and she did not want her son to suffer.  I know that I do not measure up to Mary in any way except we are both mothers.  He reminded me today that He would never leave me or forsake me.  What a comfort to know we are not traveling this road alone.  He is right there with us.  I will cry, still.  I will plead, still. I will argue, still...............because I am her mother.  He will continue to listen and hold me up and give me the strength I need, because I am weak and with out Him I am void.  I will continue to talk with Him while I am soaking in the bath too, because that is what I have done for the past 46 years and why should I ever change something that works.

WHY

Can't I make it go away?
Can't I kiss it and make it better?
Can't I hold her close to my heart until she falls to sleep?
Can't I be strong?
Can't I walk in Faith?
Can't I Trust?

Wordless Wednesday-In the Garden

Party!

This year Darius #1419 has figured out Birthday Parties.  He thought he should have a surprise Dora Dora party for his mommy.  So we did:)

This picture is a bit dark and out of focus because I was not ready when they arrived.
My son Bryan and Darla arriving for the party.

The Dora Dora cake we ordered because Gramma just did not feel up to making one.

Gramma did attempt to make a Dora Pinata.  It was a far cry from looking like Dora, but the  kids did not care as long as it had candy and they had a stick.
Jonah # 6518 taking his turn at the bat.

Olivia # 3317 was next, as cousins looked on in anticipation.

Cooper, # 5216 had come down with his mom from Alaska, so he got to take part too.
I am always so excited when he and his mom and brother get to come down.  His dad too, but he does not make it down as often as the others.

Abigail #6415 takes her best shot.

Brystan #2310 is steadying it for

Elizabeth #6314 because she decided to do it blindfolded.

Darius, #1419 is up to bat again.  I never noticed he had closed his eyes.  He would not let me blindfold him.

Small tip, when you make a pinata, do not use decopage glue.  It is too strong and  the pinata does not break easily.
They finally tore it from it's attachment string.  Here, Angie, I think, had tossed it to Gina and she was batting it back.

Finally Gina tore it and the mad scramble began.  

The "Birthday Girl" and Bryan looking on.

Once she was emptied, Brystan #2310 and Cannyn #2208 wrecked their type of "boy havoc" on her.

We definitely missed Kris and Joe and boys and pray for the day Kris will feel good enough to make the trip home again.  We Love You Kris!!

School starts right after Labor Day and FINALLY Summer has dawned.

So we spent the day at the beach..........again.

Jonah, Olivia and a friend they made building sand castles.
Jonah and Olivia are kneeling in the sand.

Our "on loan" Grandson enjoying the sun on the blanket.  Isn't he a cutie!!
He does not have a number, because we do not get to keep him.

Abigail giving Olivia a piggy back ride.

This picture was an experiment

To see if I could photo someone underwater

Elizabeth coming up for air.

Olivia is moving out of the deep water.  Gramma is just to nervous when it is to deep.

Abigail and Elizabeth making plans

Abigail doing the hold her breath float thing.

Caleb atop the climbing tower.

Darius came too, but he was later than everyone else and Gramma had put her camera away.
I almost got to much sun.  I think I will look for a sun hat on sale someplace.  I had to go find some shade to sit in for a while as I was getting a little light headed.
We are expecting another nice day tomorrow, and then Ben and Cooper and their mom will be here for a couple of days.  Lilah is coming too!! We will have a fantastic Friday, cause Gramma always looks forward to Ben and Cooper time.  Pictures will follow:-)

Wordless Wednesday

Finished (almost)

We decided to carry the rock up the driveway.

Dang, I forgot the name of this one.  It is going to weep and cover the corner though.

A Weeping Pussy Willow.  I got this one on sale and it needed some trimming, but next year I will allow the branches to continue to grow downwards.

A tip of the hat to my heritage:)  An Irish Yew.  Front row and center.
Miniature boxwood behind it and heather on either side.

An evergreen grass.

A shot from another angle.  All of the plantings in the background we did last year or earlier.



There are a few more things I want to include, but have to wait for a few dollars to magically appear in the budget.
Anyone else have that problem?

INK

The little friend Gina drew around Kris's port.  It gave the Chemo nurses a good chuckle.

Keeping Busy

We added a rock wall to the front of our yard

With the exception of this corner.  We had put this in shortly after we moved here.

Two and one half yards of dirt later.

It looks like this.

We are going to remove the front beds and the porch railing and extend the cement pad by about three feet.

Shayleen and Olivia planting boxwood.

Olivia really took over the boxwood planting.

There really was not much for Darius to do except torment everyone with his water gun.

Before long, Olivia was digging the holes for the boxwood.

Brystan is taking a breather from digging.

Gramma and Darius are overseeing the project.

One tree hole dug.  Good thing most of the dirt was the soft easy topsoil we had just put in.

Darius finally got his hands on a shovel and is digging too.

I am trying to stay busy as much as possible.  That way I do not think.  Today, the kids and I worked on our front yard.

We had a couple of sunny days this week. So we took advantage of one.

At The childrens park at Lake Goodwin.
Olivia and Darius walking into the lake

Darius showing Gramma how brave he is.

Olivia checking out the water.

Showing me she can to swim.

We found Kate at the beach.  A next door neighbor they play with.

We spent a few minutes on the kids toys.

Maybe Gramma should have remembered he needs sunscreen.

Olivia in the water out at the dock

Darius gets brave enough to jump in. 

And Olivia catches him.

Telling him how brave he was, and see the water is not over your head.

Olivia

Jumps

Solo

Darius

Bravely

Follows.

We find another friend here.  Katie lives down the road and goes to school with Olivia.


Ahh Blessed sun, now it is time to go home, tired and happy.