Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I receive a publication called Mountain Wings. They are usually fun to read.

MountainWings A MountainWings Moment #9049
Wings Over The Mountains of Life
Results of My Last Year Sitting At The Computer
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poison in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl into my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be nicked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know thiswill occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician... Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

9 comments:

Debby said...

That brought a chuckle, as I read it with my hand on the mouse. I think I've received all of the above and I'm still alive to tell about it...under psychiatric care...but alive.

Sarah (JOT) said...

Now I need a good Depends . . . I'm laughing so hard I fear I may leak!!

Bird, Frizzy and Our Little Yaya said...

I don't care what Coke does to the toilet. I NEED MY CAFINE! LOL By the way, YES I had my hand on my mouse. Better than my nose or in my pants like Al Bundy. Thank you for this chuckle. I needed it today! Hope you're feeling better. Sorry I haven't been around much lately.

Julie said...

lol, thanks for the laugh

Gina said...

Well, whatever.
Can you beleive I use my microwave for everything? And I stand in front of it too. Waiting. Right in front of it. Talking on my cell phone.
I let my kids stand and play video games while I shop. I even let my 4 year old do it in Hollywood video.
My kids ride their bikes without helmets in ourr yard. Do you think they'll live?

grammy said...

Hi, I came over to visit after seeing you at Flip Flops and applesauce. Laughed at the list of craziness. I Hate it when I get an email telling me to send it to 7 people in 7 minutes so my prayers will be answered. Crazy. Thought I would stop by and say hi.

Glenda, saved by grace said...

When I get one that tells me to send it on, I rarely even read it.
I was scrolling down with the down pointer thak you very much!

Pautlitz Blog said...

Very cute.

Homestay Mama said...

Yeah, I get those e-mails, too! I never pass them on! LOL

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