Saturday, February 9, 2013

A month ago


I measured time in minutes. I held her hand as she slipped into eternity. I sat there looking at her pale tiny hand, watched as her finger tips turned blue, felt her hand become cold, and through many tears, kissed my sweet daughter goodbye. Looking at the clock I could see it had only been minutes since Joseph noted the time of her passing so he could tell the coroner when he arrived. I watched the minutes tick by as we waited. Then it became an hour. My God!! My daughter is lying dead in the other room and the coroner is not here yet. What is taking so long? I am no longer measuring in minutes, I have graduated to hours. At six AM I sat up from trying to sleep on the couch. Joseph was up and getting ready to go to take care of things. It had been 51/2 hours since my Kris had left us. Soon it was one day, then two, then three. I muddled through. I don't remember much about them. I know I shed many many tears. I could not stop. Within the week we had a beautiful service for her. As a testimony of who she was, the church was filled, standing room only with overflow into the halls outside. I heard people say they had counted 470 while others said they had counted 500. Her only request for her service was that the Gospel be shared so clearly that  no one would leave the church wondering if they would go to heaven or not.
One week passed, two, three, four. Each week a tiny bit easier. I quit crying myself to sleep every night. I quit crying at every thought or mention of her name. I did not quit crying completely, but it became a little easier to make it through the day.
Tonight Stan and I were at a dinner with a group of friends that we get together with every month. As we ended our evening, we were praying for healing for some in the group. It tripped some sort of switch, I had a complete and total melt down. I prayed for 18 months for healing, it did not come!
Please, friends, know I do know the truth. I do know of His saving Grace. I do know my beautiful daughter is no longer in pain or suffering. I know all of the platitudes and the answers.  I know how blessed I am to have raised 6 children to adulthood. I know I have enough healthy beautiful grandchildren to populate a small village. But tonight none of that knowledge is enough to fill that huge gaping hole in my heart.
Kris is not the first child we have lost. We also had a son, Jeffery Matthew. He died in my uterus after I took a very nasty fall down a flight of stairs. Ironically, I was carrying Kris in my arms and as I fell, I turned my body to protect her from injury. That action resulted in Jeffery's death. He is always with me too. There is a special place in one's heart for those children you never had the privilege of nursing at your breast or cuddling up close to and drinking in their sweet baby smell. I counted the minutes, the hours, the weeks, the months and eventually the years. I can know it does eventually get easier. I know there will be a day that Kris comes to mind and I will smile at the memory someday..............
Right now, at this very minute. As I type these words, it has been exactly one month since Kris slipped into eternity. I will continue to count the weeks until it has been two months, three, four, five...........
Some day the hole will close up just a little, the tears will not flow at every mention of her name, at the thought of praying for healing for someone else when he did not heal her. Someday.........................
Until then, please bear with me. I have so much to process

7 comments:

Nancy said...

Oh Evy. I wish I could hug you right now. I know there is nothing that I can say or do to remove your pain...but I would, if I could. Although I had many miscarriages (seven), I don't know what it's like to lose a child you've raised and loved. Know that I am with you in thought and prayer.

Katidids said...

Oh Evy, nothing makes it better till your heart starts to heal. Tears are cleansing, healing. It's ok to be angry at God, as any parent does, he understands our pain. I wish you peace my friend& many many hugs

CatholicMom said...

You have been through what most mothers do not, or should not, have to experience. This fills me with sadness to read of your pain and your loss. It's so raw. I am praying for your healing and peace of spirit. Kris is in heaven right now probably honking the horn of that little truck of hers, driving around in cirlces, with little Jeffrey sitting in her lap laughing with his big sister, and she's sayin', "Now, Mom, You better stop that crying..."

Debby said...

Evy, It's been almost 4 years. I still can't look at pictures without breaking down. My chest still hurts on some days. We still can't talk about it. Don't apologize, take all the time you need. It is a wound that will never heal and breaks open at unexpected times. I did go to one grief share session. I'd like to say it helped but it was still too raw. Maybe now it would. You have been in my prayers. I know God loves our children more than we do but I'm still asking why and know He is a big enough God to let me ask.

Betsy said...

I don't know you well at all my new friend, and I can only imagine the utter devastation and pain you are going through. I hope it helps you to know that you and your family are being prayed for by someone like me. But I know that you know that Our God is a great God who knows your pain, after all, He watched His only son die too. He will comfort you.

Blessings,
Betsy

Therese said...

Praying for you!!!! <3

Roslyn said...

After 6 and a half years it still hurts, why say still? It will always hurt, but we can learn to live with the hole in the soul that a child leaves when they go from this earth. I have become uncomfortable "friends " with the grief, and now walk arm in arm daily with it, living also with the hope of seeing my son again. Without that there would be only devastation, Evie, so we go on searching for the plan & reclaiming the joy as the years pass.
Much love dear one.
Roslyn

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