Wednesday mornings have been especially difficult. The 30 minute drive into chemo tends to be a long emotional trip. Dread is heavy. Last Wednesday I asked a few friends to pray for me, specifically to help me have a heart of gratitude. God showed up in a big way for me. I could feel Him holding me. My attitude was changed. Friends were texting me encouragement and prayers. My sister Tricia came from Bethel, Ak. ( knowing I would likely be asleep most of her visit). For 2 days we sat around together in our pj's. She gave our dog a bath (He stunk!), just so I could hold him. Meals were delivered. Our son Brandyn, whom we had not seen since August, came home from college for the weekend. To sit and watch the boys make pizza together was priceless and then delicious.
Why? I refused to ask this the first time around. I figured the answer was; Why not? I'm not so special that I could escape a disease that affects so many people. It was just part of life. It could be that I refused to ask because I did not really want to know....This time I'm asking. Why God? Why do I have to do this? Why do I have to hurt so much? He has not given me one answer that explains everything and I don't expect that He will. He has given me answers that help explain some things. He wants me to find strength in Him, not in myself. He wants me to trust Him completely. He wants me to let others love me. He wants me to love others without judgment. Why God? I'm ready to hear you. Why God? I'm ready, teach me.