it was very difficult to find time for myself. Privacy was always an issue too. At any given moment, someone needed me. The solution came when my husband would return from work. We would have dinner and then I would run myself a bath. A hot bath. I would lock myself in the bathroom and soak. I would sit in the tub and soak until the water was cold, drain the tub and refill it and soak some more. During this time I also developed the habit of "talking" to God. I could pray and meditate uninterrupted, if Stan was doing his job and keeping the kids away from the bathroom door. It is a habit I have carried throughout my life. I still bathe in the hottest water I can stand, I still (often) refill the tub if I have sat long enough for the water to cool down. I still find this the best place to hold my conversations with God. He has told me many things while I am in the tub. It was there that He comforted me the year my baby Jeffery died, it was there He confirmed I would make my trip to Africa, and it was there that today He talked to me about what is happening in our family right now.
Sometimes I feel so weak and without faith because I am not accepting this as something I am suppose to just accept and go on with life. I am fighting with all of my being. I am arguing with him, I am begging him, I am pleading with him. I cry every day. One day, as I have shared before, He told me I had to have Faith and Trust. I know I must turn it over to Him. I, however, am human. I am full of flaws and have a sin nature that makes me cling to what I know and fight what I do not know. Today, I was discussing my weakness with Him. Asking him for strength and peace. He answered me. He comforted me. He told me that even though from the moment Mary conceived her Son, she knew also he would die, she pleaded with Him to not make her go through that pain. He said she had not lost her faith when she would plead with him. She was human also and she did not want her son to suffer. I know that I do not measure up to Mary in any way except we are both mothers. He reminded me today that He would never leave me or forsake me. What a comfort to know we are not traveling this road alone. He is right there with us. I will cry, still. I will plead, still. I will argue, still...............because I am her mother. He will continue to listen and hold me up and give me the strength I need, because I am weak and with out Him I am void. I will continue to talk with Him while I am soaking in the bath too, because that is what I have done for the past 46 years and why should I ever change something that works.