Sunday, May 4, 2014

All I can say is that I am still getting used to

My new normal.
I guess life will never be the same.  I will miss her at every turn, something will always bring her to mind.  Be it something I read, see or smell.  She is always with me, yet she isn't.  People tell me it takes a long time, they say the pain gets less and less with each passing day. I am still waiting.  I know my life has to continue and I plod through every day, loving and caring for those who are still with me and missing the one who isn't. It affects my ability to blog and I really should not let it.  She would be so mad at me if she knew.  She told me to keep living and that I would be OK, yet I really am not.  Sometimes I feel so selfish.  I am not the only mother whose child has gone before her.  I won't be the last either.  Other times I feel so lost, so empty.  There was so much to tell her, so much I wanted her to know about how deeply I loved her.......I wonder, did she really know.  She had questions and I answered them, but did she believe me? Some day, soon, I will have my answer.  Some day, I will sit with her again and I will be able to answer those questions for her. If she does not know now, I will tell her then.
Really, that was not what I came here to write, I try to keep it inside, now it isn't any longer.  Now the world knows.
Krissy, it has been almost 16 months and still the tears flow every day.  I know it is not what you wanted.  It is not what I want either.  I want to remember you as the bright beautiful giving woman you were, yet always in front of all are the questions, the ones I don't know if you really believed me when I answered them for you.  Life is so full of if only's and mine is If Only I knew that you believed me.  I loved you with all of my heart and soul and I await the day we can sit together again.


Betsy said...

Ah, my heart hurts for you. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel, but Please know that I pray for you often.

Madeline's Album said...

I have missed you kept checking your blog everyday so glad that you are back. My prayers have been with you every night and they will continue to be. Have a blessed day. Madeline

Debby said...

There are no words Evy. It just plain hurts. It's been almost 5 years and not a day goes by I don't think of him. Some days I literally hurt so bad I can barely breathe. I'm sorry my friend. I know I'll see him again as you will your sweet Krissy. How do parents cope without that hope?

Debby said...

And thank you for putting into words exactly what I've felt over the years. I love and carry on with those here. They are my reason to get out of bed and have been.


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