My new normal.
I guess life will never be the same. I will miss her at every turn, something will always bring her to mind. Be it something I read, see or smell. She is always with me, yet she isn't. People tell me it takes a long time, they say the pain gets less and less with each passing day. I am still waiting. I know my life has to continue and I plod through every day, loving and caring for those who are still with me and missing the one who isn't. It affects my ability to blog and I really should not let it. She would be so mad at me if she knew. She told me to keep living and that I would be OK, yet I really am not. Sometimes I feel so selfish. I am not the only mother whose child has gone before her. I won't be the last either. Other times I feel so lost, so empty. There was so much to tell her, so much I wanted her to know about how deeply I loved her.......I wonder, did she really know. She had questions and I answered them, but did she believe me? Some day, soon, I will have my answer. Some day, I will sit with her again and I will be able to answer those questions for her. If she does not know now, I will tell her then.
Really, that was not what I came here to write, I try to keep it inside, now it isn't any longer. Now the world knows.
Krissy, it has been almost 16 months and still the tears flow every day. I know it is not what you wanted. It is not what I want either. I want to remember you as the bright beautiful giving woman you were, yet always in front of all are the questions, the ones I don't know if you really believed me when I answered them for you. Life is so full of if only's and mine is If Only I knew that you believed me. I loved you with all of my heart and soul and I await the day we can sit together again.